Torrance
mother of stillborn
baby helps others like her
remember their children
with birthstone bracelets
at
hand
By
Sandy Cohen
DAILY BREEZE
"You're
pregnant." Carrie
Fisher-Pascual and her husband knew they'd have children
one day. They picked names five years ago. But
this pregnancy came as a surprise. "We
were immediately ecstatic,"Carrie said "From
that moment, we knew we were going to have another life
coming into this world." Carrie
and her husband, Jon Pascual,
planned doctor's appointments and looked into Lamaze
classes. She jotted a list of women she'd invite
to the baby shower. Then
something went wrong. Twenty weeks and two
days into her pregnancy, Carrie went to Torrance Memorial
Medical Center and delivered a stillborn daughter.
The Torrance couple was
dazed. Their child was gone and everything hurt. Then
Carrie heard relatives and hospital workers saying her
baby's name - Elena. "Even
though this was such a tragic moment, I realized she
had a life. She had her own name," Carrie
said. "She was really real." Nurses
sent the couple away with a photo of Elena, along with
her tiny handprints and footprints inked on paper. They
buried their daughter in Babyland at Green Hills Memorial
Park. In the days
that followed, Carrie immersed herself in a long forgotten
hobby, jewelry making. When she came across
some peridot stones - Elena's birthstone - she made
a special
bracelet
for herself.
"It caused me to
pause," she said. "And I thought
it would be nice and comforting to have something that
was her birthstone that was realy representative of
her, something I can keep with me all the time.
"It was my little
secret memorial for her."
Now Carrie hopes to comfort
other women in her position with bracelet made from
their lost child's birthstone. She gives
away her Mother's Braclets to anyone in need.
"Having something
tangible makes it a little more real for people,"
she said. "Some mothers don't want tomake
it more real, but some do, and they want people around
them to realize that this is a life and it deserves
to be honored and remembered."
Mothers of stillborn babies
grieve for children they never had a chance to know,
said Gale Gould, clinical director of women's services
at Torrance Memorial.
"Their grief is more
protracted than those who lose an older child because
they didn't have the chance to bond with the baby, to
see what their hair was like or who they looked like,"
she said. "If you can give them things
to give a physical presence to the baby, they do better."
Torrance Memorial gives
"memory boxes" to parents following a stillbirth
or miscarriage. Inside is a photo, tiny medical
bracelet and hospital gown and prints of little hands
and feet.
"All those things
help validate for her that yes, she was pregnant, she
has a child and she has a right to her grief,"
Gould said.
Ours is a grief-avoidant
society, said hospice chaplain Brad De Ford.
"Miscarriages and
stillbirth are losses that tend not to be talked about
or recognized," he said. "It's
helpful to let a mother know that she suffered a real
loss, that she's not the first. And she too can
claim this child, even far less than term, as a real
loss.
"It wasn't a dream
that this happened. It wasn't a figment of
her imagination. Mothers need to know this. It
makes it real, which is very helpful to claiming the
grief that they feel." Having
a tangible reminder, such as a bracelet, helps them
accept the loss and begin healing, De Ford said.
Raquel Schieldge, who
recently suffered a miscarrieage, said the bracelet
makes her feel as though she's not alone in her loss. Carrie
gave her a bracelet after hearing the woman's story
at church. "I
felt so special because here was somebody who knew exactly
the pain I was going through," Schieldge said. "Every
time I wear the bracelet, I know it was something special
and we shared something, we shared the same pain and
the same experience." Carrie
hopes to distribute her bracelets through Torrance Memorial
hospital and the National Stillbirth Society. She
named her company Elena's Inspiration. "It
doesn't matter if you have a life that lasts 20 weekss,
20 years or 120 years," she said. "It's
still life."
